Despair and Angst - Hi David Geffen - what are you dealing with right now?
 
Well, I want to talk about this whole social media thing. You may – or you may not – be aware that I’ve recently posted on social media a drone shot – featuring a beautiful sunset behind my beloved SuperMegaGoddamHugeFloatingMansion hyperyacht, Rising Sun. In the normal world that would be just fine and dandy. Just another wannabe hero drone shot from your average superyacht owner. It’s actually a rather lovely shot. There’s tropical waters and sunshine and gentle forested shores. In any usual social media feed, I’d be lauded for my skills and receive a whole bandwidth full of compliments and emojis. But na-hah! None of that for poor old Davey here. Instead of praise and pundits, a whole flood of hatemail soared across the globe and hovered all menacing-like above my Rising Sun. So I up-anchored and motored right out of there.

Despair and Angst – Sure Geffy, we see your point. But what’s your real angst over this?
 
Well now, I don’t want to be sounding all uppity ‘n’ all, but there’s a side to all this that I don’t think people are getting to see.
 
Despair and Angst – Mmm.. You mean you are feeling a little put upon by all this media attention?
 
Yes. And no. I am a fairly famous fellow, and we famous fellows are used to a bit of flak hitting the air around us. I guess some folk felt I was hardly in quarantine, and didn’t understand what quarantine means, simply because I’m sitting on a megayacht, being waited on hand-and-foot in conditions of ultimate luxury. So no, I’m not really under any angst for folk getting the wrong idea ‘n’ all. I guess it’s hard to have empathy for a billionaire sailing through glorious waters on a bigger-than-Ben-Hur-style-gigayacht. No, my angst is the idea that I don’t care about other people, simply because I have more money and more stuff and more options for how I spend my quarantine.
 
I do care about other people, and there’s nothing I’ve ever done that would suggest I don’t. You do know that there’s an entire hospital wing with my name on it? My philanthropy trust hands out more money than a Republican oil lobbyist in a solar energy convention. So I shouldn’t have to say that I care when it’s pretty obvious that I do. Should I?
 
Despair and Angst – Go on Dave, let it all out.
 
Well thank-you. Good to see there’s some manners still out there. As I was saying, some folk sitting in their 10x10 apartments, looking out over the empty roads and boarded-up shops, might think that I was rubbing their faces in it by highlighting my good life out here on the open seas in the 4th smallest loungeroom of my 8,000 square metres, five levels and 3,300 square metres of desk space, with gymnasium, huge cellar, sauna, spa, basketball court, helicopter pad, private cinema, 45 crew and staff and all that half a billion dollars can provide… uhh… actually… uhm..
 
Actually Despair and Angst, I think I’ll call it quits just there. I might make an appointment with my PR folk when I get back onshore. Elon Musk is taking up all the billionaire social media space at the moment, and I’m not sure I want to add to his portrayal of how we 0.1% think or operate.. Actually, come to think of it, we’ve got a President that’s doing enough of that for all of us. I might just start adding #grateful #i’mgivingitawayanyway #pleasedontletmebemisunderstood to my Insta posts from here on.
 
Despair and Angst – Thanks David. You know that this sort of human reaction approach isn’t going to drive our numbers much – but if you’d be a gem and drop a intro line to Elon for us, it’d be great.

 Uhmm... hello? Hello? Trump the Don - are you still there?

Despair and Angst here - can I ask you a question Trump the Don?

What are you dealing with right now?  I am soaked in despair #hashtag #bringbackthewall #whydofriendsturnevil

ll Despair and Angst, I'm not here to play - I've got a country to run, and it ain't gonna run itself if I'm spending all my time here talking to you. I've got to get back in that golf-cart, drive right onto the fairway, and show the world how serious I am. It's the kind of guy I am. #hashtag #imdoingfine #thisisnottherapy #fakenews

Look - I might have said that I was soaked in despair but that's not quite right. I guess that was me acting like a Democrat, and going all weak-knee'd at the prospect of waking up in the morning. That's just not me, right? #hashtag #bloodykoreans #northernkoreans #mybombisbiggerthanyourbomb

Anyway, let's get down to business. Because that's what it's really all about, right? Business. America IS business. America is BIG business. And I love America. AND Big Business. That makes me a Big American. Right? You bet I'm right! Right? High five for that one. #hashtag #FBIshouldinvestigate #everythingbutme

So thanks for inviting me here today.

[Ed: we didn't invite Trump the Don - he wrote in..]

Do you know what my enemies want you to think? Do you?

They just group around, hanging around like they need to be near me - but I'm better than that. Did I tell you that? How good I am. No, actually - I mean, how really fantastically good I really am. Did I add a question mark there? Yeh? OK. #hashtag #spelleingisforlosers

As I was saying, I am so good - even my numbers are good. Better than anyone that's ever been on television. Or in movies. And I haven't even been in movies yet. Well, let's not go there - many worlds to conquer, right? #hashtag #chinesestealingactingjobs

So, after my inauguration crowds were forced back to work I got stuck into the job I was voted in by the Great People of this Great Nation to do Great Work for. Did you know that I've passed more and better legislation in a shorter block of time and for more good outcomes for more people in more places at more times with more impacts at more levels on more playing fields running more teams of people who love what I do because I'm so much More than anyone else. Ever has been. #hashtag #startnewbook #findwriter #howgreatwasI #trumphotelpillowreading

It's been great talking with you Despair and Angst. Why do some people call you Life's a Game? Yeh, I know. It's because you know it's me, right? And life's not a game - it's a Game Show! And I'm the host. Best Host Ever been on a game show in history. Did you see my ratings? Outshone that Arnie guy. #hashtag #getajobarnie #goshiamgood

If you're ever near one of my golf clubs, just knock on the door. Slide your shiny credit card down my slot and I'll show you a world like you've never seen. A Great World for Great People. You may not be great now but I've spoken with you, and if you follow my lead, you could be great too. Not as great as me, of course - that would be funny. He. Ha. Ha. #hashtag #fbitotrackdowntheseguys #suppresstheirratings

America Great again! Yeh! I'm Great - and I'll make America Great. I'll leave it as Great as it's ever been. #hashtag #no-wait #i'mnotleaving #notetoself #howtostayinpower #lovingthisstuff

Name? Nean Derthal

As i sit here pondering all that is, all that was, and all that will be, i am torn between a Hard Determinist philosophical outlook and the sobering potential for Free Will to be the driving factor underlying human activity. And it's wrecking my attempts at global domination.
 
What are you dealing with right now?  I am soaked in despair

OK big boy. It seems you have something on your mind. Share it with us and maybe you'll come to terms with your worrying thoughts...

Hi Life is a Game,

So sorry to bother you dear chaps but it does appear that i have reached something of a crossroads in my attempts at world domination. While mystery and secrecy have been the hallmarks of my efforts to date, the fact remains that it seems my shadowy cabal just aren't cutting the custard, as they say. The New World Order will require rulers and managers and sublings to run it - so I'm opening the door to those who want an early "in", as one would say, and asking for a little help and support from your legions of readers. To all you humans of the Great Unwashed, consider this - join with me today, and your support could place you and your seed at the top of the human food chain for the next eon of generations. Now i would say that's quite an offer...

My psych analyst tells me that sharing is caring, so here's a little peek into my mind.

My days are spent bouncing around the world's major capitals, meeting with bankers, politicians, billionaires and those quiet fellows who manage to shout out quite loud without ever needing to raise their voice. These meetings are obviously closed affairs, and all who attend are careful to retain the veil of secrecy.

I on the other hand, spend a good deal of time before and after those meetings actively dropping hints and leaving a breadcrumb trail to ensure that the secrecy is not quite watertight. All this works well, as it focusses the attention of conspiracy theorists, quacks and nutters throughout the world on my decoy conspiracy theories. You'd be familiar enough with them - there's the good ol' "Shadowy Banking Cabal", currently attracting 1.27 million results on Google search and mainstream enough to show up in Bloomberg!  Another outstanding success has been the release of the movie "Zeitgeist" that attracts over 32 million results. A little half-truth here, a glimpse of power-plays there and in no time you have millions of people devoted to tracking down evil forces that don't even exist. Truly, there are times when my own genius leaves me breathless. 

And bow before my true greatness, when you realise that I've managed to get Google to name their year-end round-up "Zeitgeist"... And they charge people for advertising, while giving me the biggest advert in the online world for FREE! Truly, you humans leave my jaw sore from laughter.

So, how can you help me? Well, the main thorn in my side is the occasional accidental release of genuine information that could alert authorities to my activities. I basically need a group of semi-educated and mildly capable homosapiens to cloud any such release by starting up yet more wild goose chase conspiracies. Throw the powers-that-be off the scent, as they say. I can't promise you a lot - after all, you will be part of the underclass once I resurrect the Neanderthal super-race... but I can assure you of my undying gratitude. And perhaps a chance to be one of the less oppressed humans in the world to come..?

However, there are genuine opportunities for advancement for those females of the human race who are willing to offer their services in the repopulation of the Neanderthal across the face of the earth. You see, i cannot bring my forefathers back from the dead without more than a few wombs to gestate them in. That's where you females have a chance to make history. I've managed to get the scientific community sufficiently excited about Neanderthal genes and DNA and the like, that word is getting around of the possibility of cloning a Neanderthal. Little do they know that they are doing my work for me. 


You are merely human, dear reader, so I will clarify what it is that brings me to despair in amongst all my good efforts... It's the thought that I have to utilise those awfully gangly, soft and hairless women of yours to achieve my ends. What am I to do?

Name? Fred Jones

Folks, Fred Jones is upset. He's so upset that he's using adult language. If you aren't an adult then you can't read Fred's note. Ok?

What are you dealing with right now?  I am soaked in despair

Pour it all out. Everything. You may even feel better for it.

Hi Life is a Game,

You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with.

First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless! The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.

The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his fucking giant dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops at McDonald's every single fucking day.

Anyways, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

How often are you gripped by angst, despair or most horribly, both?
Everyday

Name? Clown Around

What are you dealing with right now?  I am soaked in despair

Pour it all out. Everything. You may even feel better for it.

Hi Life is a game,

Thanks for listening to my despair!

Well it's like this... some little so and so kid came up to me at a party the other day and said to me, "you're not a clown's nuts"...

I felt like saying, "what did you say you little bastard?" but, as you can appreciate, that's not exactly what is expected of a clown at a kids party!

I'm mortified! Horrified! 

Despair and Anst, I can assure you that I've got nut's..!

What will the Hottie women clowns think of me if that get's back to the office?

To make matters worse a little girl then shouted that my nose wasn't big enough to be a clown! That makes me sad.

What can I do to win back my reputation?

Everyday I am filled with despair!
Please help!!!!

kind regards

Clown Around  :(

How often are you gripped by angst, despair or most horribly, both?
Everyday

Name : Bob Smith - a reformed catlover

What are you dealing with right now? : Fur-balls and litter trays.

My story: I'm too embarrassed to discuss my servitude with my family. 

Pour it all out. Everything. You may even feel better for it...

Where do I start? When did the innocent desire to indulge the comforts of my beloved Miffy coalesce into a nightmare of hideous day-to-day enslavement? If only I knew where it started, perhaps I could discover a way of reversing the descent into hell that followed the exciting day I first rescued Miffy from the pet home. I tell you that I have tried, my friend. Oh, how I have tried!

They say Mark Twain was a cat-lover. He was an impressive guy, no question about that. I just wonder if he would have been greater still - maybe even a God, had he not fallen under the spell of these evil little creatures. It's not natural, I tell you, and I've posted a picture of Mark Twain under the domination of a satanic member of that very dangerous species so you can see for yourself the terrible condition they inflict on their zombie slaves. Look closely at the picture, and you'll notice the sagging shoulders, Mr Twain's body hunched forward under the sheer weight of helplessness as he paces to the tune of his oppressor.

I've tried to talk about it but my family are all on Miffy's side. Even my closest friends have failed to notice my failure to show up at coffee shops and cafe's. I'm simply too busy catering to the every whim of that evil Miffy. Sometimes at night, when Miffy is asleep, and I am waiting attentively beside her queen size bed, I dream about what my life could have been. On particularly bad nights, when the kitty tray is more disgusting than usual, I fantasize on ways to end my horror.

Of course, it's my own fault. If I were stronger, I could run away from home. But I'm not strong - I'm a cat lover. One disinterested look from Miffy, and all my resolution walks out the door. Sometimes I just wish that I had curled braids and could put out a message to the universe - "Help me Obi-Wan Kanobi, you're my only hope" but The Force runs shallow in my family, and I do not have the midi-chlorian count that would propel me into the Jedi league.

And so I will return to my life of enslavement - BUT I am posting this message because if it helps even one catlover to see the light before it is too late then I have done my job, and fulfilled my destiny in the only way that a catlover can. Because nothing can save me now. 

Name : John Mustafah Doe - al-Qaeda Senior Purchasing Officer

What are you dealing with right now? : I am soaked in despair.

My story: I lament the plight of Izhmash, the AK-47 manufacturer. 

Pour it all out. Everything. You may even feel better for it...

Firstly, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to present my sad story to your beloved readers, may they be praised in heaven forever. I usually do videos for YouTube, so forgive me if my spelling is not as precise as it should be.

The despair I want to talk about is the terrible weight that is upon my shoulders, as I do my best each day to find and pay for the tools my organisation needs to do its daily work. You would not believe the obstacles I have to overcome, nor would you understand the suffering I endure because of the hurtful articles that are published about my benevolent organisation. They are nasty and brutish and unfair. All I am trying to do is to find a few hundred thousand rifles, and yet I am painted as some kind of bad guy by the imperialist Western press - and I only give a capital "W" to western so that you understand I am more educated than most decadent infidels realise.

Secondly, I would like to express my dissatisfaction with the actions of the American devil - Obama. He has scared the United States gun fanatics so much about changes to gun laws that they have been buying up guns and ammunition in huge quantities. Don't think that I am not familiar with Economics 101 and its intricacies. If too many infidels demand AK-47's then the supply available for our glorious cause is cut to pieces, and those guns remaining are as expensive as 72 virgins.

Thank you for listening to my holy trevails, and may your life shine under the light of a merciful heaven forever.

How often are you gripped by angst, despair or most horribly, both? Once per month - during our corporate donations versus armaments budget sessions.

Name : Angela Merkel

What are you dealing with right now? : I mainly have angst.

My story: What do i have to do to get all these people to just do what I say? 

Pour it all out. Everything. You may even feel better for it...

It's not as though I am asking a lot. A little bit of austerity here, some unemployment there... A generation or two of penury for the odd spendthrift nation. Maybe the occasional bout of oppression of the masses. It's not as if they don't deserve it. And, it's not as if the poor have had it all that good over the centuries, so just a little bit less in their bellies each day isn't going to be noticed all that much, is it? 

A good dose of misery will help a country to see that the world looks pretty awful from the bottom of a well. I just want to help people to help themselves. If they are stupid enough to fall down that well (and let's face it, some of these Southern European slackers jumped down that well of their own free will) then they can't expect me to just throw them a rope without at least wanting a credit card imprint first, can they? It's not as if I'm about to send in the troops or take over their country or anything. 

Why can't these people see that I only want to do what is best for them. Nobody likes taking their medicine but we all know that you are better of if you do, so I'm just asking the people who have failed financially to come up with more money. What's so demanding about that?

What really irks are the complaints from the whining dogs in my own country, who can't see that I'm the best poker player on the planet. Why would you vote for anyone else? Why would anyone in Germany complain, when I've managed to keep the entire world's financial system on the brink of disaster for years - to the point that those foreign suckers are actually PAYING Germany to keep their cash! Huh! I'd like to see how many of my opposition could do that and continue to look as upright and indignant as I do. 

AND I've managed to keep a few ailing industries in business. Mind you, it has cost more  to allow those voters to keep their jobs than it would have to provide them all with a guaranteed income for the rest of their lives. The things I have had to do to keep people happy. And the incompetents still don't love me!

Shit, I'm the most powerful woman in the world. What do I have to do to-just-be-loved?

How often are you gripped with angst, despair or most horribly, both? Daily

If i tell you i'm ailing, will you listen? And if you do, what chance is there that you will care? Life IS a game. It may not be a funny one, and often it's not that rewarding either. How is it that the average human being sees enough positive in the world that they consider it worthwhile going on?